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Baby Sneezus

I helped my mom decorate for Christmas this weekend. We ended up getting a very skinny tree this year; it's like looking at a mirror image. I'm able to do so much more than the last holidays when I was stuck in a chair while I watched everything take place around me. Now I'm hanging up ornaments and arranging the miniture nativity scene, it's great. I can actually enjoy Christmas this year.

Last month, Angelina celebrated her 10th birthday. (Double digits!) I got her a No Doubt shirt since they are her favorite band, and one of mine as well. REPRESENT! A few months ago, I gave her the shirt I got at their concert back in 2002 (Vintage), but she can only wear it to sleep, it's way too big. So I got her one for her to wear out and to school.

Angelina takes pride in having a mind of her own. She would never do anything just because others say it's cool. She is who she is. While all the girls in her class are gushing over Justin Bieber, Angelina's rocking out -I doubt her peers even know who No Doubt is. This sets her up as the social outcast at school. These times are tough, I know since I experienced them myself. She thinks Eclipse is lame and can play "Seven Nation Army" on the guitar. To me, Angelina is perfect.

She's at the age now where I decided to have "The Girl Talk" with her and she told me that the only knowledge she had of a period came from maxi-pad commercials. Ha!

My mom's birthday was the day after Angelina's and I got her a Monet's painting, "The Artist's Garden at Giverny". She was so surprised, I could feel the tears on her face when she came to hug me and I thought to myself, "Mission accomplished".

She loves art and going to art museums to admire and discuss different pieces is one of the things we love to do. Plus, I wanted to help decorate the house. The walls are so bare. Eventhough we have lived here for 7 years, it still looks like we just moved in. It's not like before when I was in my room most of the time. I loved my room; I redid and designed it. Now I have to spend most of the day out in the living room. I can't stand it.

On Thanksgiving my family decided to have a roast...on me, since I wouldn't be able to enjoy what Thanksgiving is all about: EATING!

It was just us this year; my parents, Jamie, Angelina, Grandma and Jake, which was wonderful since we all get along and there's no drama or stress.

We had the roast after (their) dinner. I asked Jamie to be the roast master since he was home from Orlando and I have always thought he is the funniest person alive -plus, we grew up together so this gives him alot of material/blackmail. Everyone said something and it was really super great. I love jokes about me. I mean, I have been gone through some shitty things; lets make fun of it!

The Roast of Chloe Colon

With James Colon as the Roast Master

Featuring Sylvia, Mike, and Angelina Colon


Jamie:  Hello everyone and welcome to the roast of Chloe Colon. I’m really excited to be your roast master this evening. Very seldom do we get the chance to pay our respect to someone as wonderful as her. I can tell Chloe herself can’t wait to get started, she’s actually drooling in anticipation.

I owe a lot to my big sister. There are many aspects of my personality that I’ve taken straight from her. So, I guess, thank you for the claustrophobia, the sleep anxiety, the fetish for odd absurdities that made me an outcast all throughout high school, and the overall crappy outlook on life. Much appreciated.

But all kidding aside, in terms of pop culture, Chloe really has had a lot of influence on me. Most of all, her taste in music is impeccable. Here’s a list of some classics in her collection: Avril Lavigne, “Let Go”, Ashlee Simpson, “Autobiography”, and let’s not forget the garage case classic, the Can’t Hardly Wait soundtrack. It’s like her musical maturity plateaued at twelve.

That’s not bad as her taste in television. Watching TV is really a choice between two options: unbearable and “Why can’t I see? My eyes have burned themselves out of my eye sockets.” She once convinced to watch an episode of Maury with her where a cheating husband was incriminated by a half-eaten Pop-Tart (true story). The homeless people sleeping outside Rockerfeller center in New York have better taste in TV than Chloe. At least they go with a network.

Chloe: It wasn’t a Pop Tart, Jamie, it was a Toaster Strudel. Big difference.

We can’t forget what an excellent driver Chloe is. Very few people have the talent to get lost while driving in a straight line. Billy Joel looks at Chloe’s driving and thinks “Yeah, she really needs to get off the road.” She once told me that she parallel parked, but I had to let her know that she only pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru.

And now I have to introduce Chloe’s mother, Sylvia.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy her set; she’s very quick. Especially when trying to think of US states that start with the letter ‘F’. Oh, wait…


Sylvia:  Chloe is my first born.  The joy of my life.  But she is the most difficult, most frustrating and most demanding of my kids.  Dealing with her is like slamming your head against a brick wall. You get nothing but a headache.

Chloe is soooo grouchy in the morning, Oscar the Grouch has nothing on her.  She snarls, complains, and is just completely unpleasant to be around.  Actually her eyebrows now look like Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows.  But at least Oscar is green and kinda cute.  Oscar lives in a garbage can is probably stinky.  Well, again he’s got nothing on Chloe.  You don’t want to be around Chloe’s danger zone when she’s gassy.  She has the most potent, stinky farts ever.  And of course she doesn’t care since she can’t smell them, but I have to endure that stench while I continue to smile and talk to her. 

We all know that Chloe’s most beloved part of her anatomy are her boobs.  Even though she is now as skinny as a match stick, her boobs are still looking good.  Which is a good thing because I really believe that Chloe has a secret dream of being a pin up model.  Have you ever seen her stretch?  I swear she is posing for a girlie calendar.

Let’s talk about Chloe’s hair.  When she was a baby her hair all fell out and it stood around her head in patches.  Pretty much like it is now.  Her hair actually now looks like it did when she was 2 months old.  Then it grew long and huge until her head became infested with lice. So many bugs that we had to chop off all that hair and she ended up looking like a boy.  So much so that she was attached by a group of girls in a public bathroom because they thought she was a boy.  Her boobs were not big yet so it was easy to get confused.

I love Chloe but I never know now if she is crying or laughing or coughing.  They all look the same with her crooked smile.


Jamie:  Next in line is Chloe’s father, Miguel. A man who bought an Avatar phone because he thought it was cool, and we love him anyway.

Mike: Chloe, you are so beautiful to me that your face reminds me of a  painting – Van Gogh’s “Death’s Head Moth”.

You are so skinny that you give a new meaning to the phrase, “I got a bone to pick with you.”

It’s easy placing the blame on you when I fart around you since you can’t hear or smell them.

{Edited for content}   --is your way of saying “I love you”


Jamie:  Last but not least, we have Angelina, Chloe’s super-intelligent little sister. She’s so smart in fact that she got kicked out of her elementary school gifted class.

Angelina:  Chloe, from your butt-climb to your Ace Ventura impressions, I will always love you! When you first started butt-climbing –which I think is a very dangerous sport- you started cheek by cheek as slow as a turtle. While you did your butt-climbing you would be singing No Doubt’s “The Climb” –which I thought was a perfect fit for that adventure.

As far as your Ace Ventura impression, now that’s a different story. As we were going to baby Katelynn’s 2nd birthday party, we rolled in your car –your wheelchair- and kept bumping into rocks . You called me like the million times you had before- and you say, I mean, sign, “I’m Ace Ventura!” not knowing why you said that, I look at your wobbly head, looking as if it’s about to fall off, and remember the Ace Ventura movie we saw and the scene with the car and all that BUT ANYWAYS! You will always be the weirdest sister ever!


Chloe: Thank you all for coming over to the living room. It’s so nice to be surrounded by my favorite people, like…


Jamie  my alien. I always knew you were one when I caught you scratching your toes with the remote. Only a extraterrestrial would be as obsessive as Jamie is; this comes to movies, sports, music, and baking brownies. Seriously though, I owe a lot to my brother and all the countless fun times of our childhood and now.


Mommy, you are perfect to me, even with that small pouch on your belly. In fact, this reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem... I love you, Mommy, with or without your hairs that are leggy.


Daddy, I love you. I love you so much that I've seen Avatar 4 times with you. And although we sometimes fight I just remember the confused/funny faces you make trying to understand ASL or "Chicken with Grandma" and I’m not mad anymore.


Baby, my best friend, my little helper, my sweetest thing. When mommy found out she was pregnant with you we were all so happy. I actually had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be at your birth. It was a beautiful and lovely occasion to

be seen, just like how the mother rhino gives birth in Ace Ventura. And yes, I will gladly be the Maid of Honor at your wedding to your true love, Francisco. A&F AAF!

That weekend Meghan came over with her new kitty, Mika. Steve-o is no longer with us. He's now partying it up and being badass with Wesley. Last I heard they started a gang.

Anyways, Mika is just darling.

Latoya and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary on November 5th. A lot has happened in one year. I've had many accomplishments as I regained the strength back on my right side. When Latoya first started she had to a lot for me; little things like change the channel on the remote or help me get dressed, but now I can do those things on my own. These days she only has to set-up my feeding tube and help position me to go potty.

We've had our ups and downs, one time I almost fired her while I was in the hospital and she called me, "inconsiderate". WTF? That got me super upset.

I love Latoya though. She takes very good care of me and I'm happy to have her around. A few weeks ago, we were able to figure out a way for me to take a (nice, hot) shower. Since my legs are not strong enough to support myself to stand, I have been left taking (frickin' freezing) bed baths for the last 2 years. This was truly a milestone.

Anyway, my mom got the grade back on the PowerPoint I worked on last month for her science class and I got 100% A+, bitches!